Silver Linings
by Shonetta
Summary: Short story, post-Endgame. Chakotay realizes where his heart truly lies. J/C


**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

A short post Endgame story. Warning, contains a reference to sexual assault.

This story could be longer, probably should be, but this is it as it came to me.

**Silver Linings**

Beneath a silver moon, Chakotay stood on the balcony of his hotel room and looked out at a sandy beach. The beach was empty, except for a few night strollers, and the resort was finally winding down. It had been a hectic few days, the most hectic of Chakotay's life, but now all the homecoming celebrations were over and most of Voyager's crew had left the hotel for the bosom of family and friends. Seven had left too, to stay with her aunt in Sweden, and they were no longer a couple. They had mutually decided to end things after getting home as the fledgling relationship they'd fostered on Voyager had died as soon as they'd returned to the Alpha Quadrant. She wanted to be free to pursue new opportunities and he wanted out of a relationship he'd come to see was a mistake. On Voyager it had felt so right being with her, but on Earth it had felt so wrong. He cared for her, very much, and he'd thought that he could help her, but he didn't love her. He knew that now. At the homecoming party there had only been one woman who had commanded his attention, the same woman who had commanded it for seven years, Kathryn Janeway. When she'd walked into the room wearing a gorgeous gown of gold satin, his heart had stopped beating and he'd hardly been able to breathe. He knew then that he still loved her, that he'd never stopped loving her, and had been stupid to think he ever could. It was her he wanted, her he needed. But what she felt for him he didn't know. He'd never really known. Sometimes he'd felt sure that she loved him, felt sure that it was love he saw looking back at him from her eyes, but other times he felt sure that she did not. But the question tormenting him now was not whether or not she loved him, but whether or not he should tell her he loved her. Half of him believed that he shouldn't, that he should leave it up to her to approach him, but the other half believed that he should.

Suddenly, the door chime played and Chakotay left the balcony to call in whoever was there. The doors duly opened and Admiral Russel Carr came in.

"Good evening, Commander," he said.

"Good evening, Sir," Chakotay replied.

"I'm sorry to bother you at this hour," the Admiral went on, "but I've been at meetings all day and this is the first opportunity I've had to call on you. But if this is a bad time, I'll come back at your convenience."

"Now is fine," Chakotay answered. "What can I do for you?"

"I'm just wondering if you've given any more thought to my offer. I'm sure you've had more exciting offers than First Officer of a small research ship, but if you're seriously interested in pursuing a career in planetary archaeology, then you should know that opportunities of this kind are rare. You'd be foolish to pass up on it."

"I have given it some thought," Chakotay replied, "but I'm afraid the answer is no. I'm honored to have been selected, and I'm very grateful, but it's simply a case of bad timing. After spending the last seven years in space, I don't want to return there so soon. I want to visit my sister on Trebus and I want to spend time with my friends and family here on Earth."

"I understand," the admiral said. "And I half expected that to be your answer. I can't promise anything, but I'm currently putting together another expedition to leave in October, and I might be able to find you a post. It's won't to be First Officer, as that has already gone to Commander Durik, but other command positions will need filling. Are you interested?"

"Very."

"Then I'll see what I can do. It will be a longer mission, about three months, but I can give you the details another time. I'm sure I've taken up too much of your time already."

"Not at all. I'd love to hear more about this expedition."

"Then join me at the bar? I was just about to head there for supper. Well, late dinner actually."

"Sure," Chakotay smiled. "I could do with a bite to eat myself."

* * *

The bar was quiet, like the rest of the hotel, so Chakotay and Admiral Carr had their choice of seats. They sat by a wide window that looked out to the sea and talked about the expedition while they ate. When they'd talked about all there was to talk about, the conversation moved to Voyager and the Voyager years.

"I served with Janeway on The Zepharus," Admiral Carr said. "I was a Commander in those days and she was a Lieutenant. I remember her because she was tough. She'd never let anything get the better of her. No matter what hell we were in she kept focussed and driven. I've met few officers like that. I'm glad what happened with Raynor didn't destroy her. It would have many."

Chakotay flinched. He hadn't heard of a Raynor before. "Raynor?"

"The bastard who raped her."

Chakotay's face paled and his whole being froze.

"I'm sorry," Admiral Carr said, seeing his ignorance. "I thought you knew."

"No," Chakotay said quietly.

"I don't suppose it's something she likes to talk about. I only know because I was her commanding officer. It happened during a land conflict with the Cardassians. Somehow Janeway and a few others got separated from the rest of us and wound up alone in enemy territory. All but Janeway and Raynor perished and they were cut off from us for two days. He had issues, Raynor, and a history of violence, but he was the son of an admiral so eyes looked the other way. According to Janeway he went crazy out there alone and blamed her for their situation. He hit her a few times and then tried to rape her. She fought back but the more she struggled the more violent he became. He left her afterwards and went his own way. What would have happened to him if we hadn't of found him, I don't know. And to be honest, I don't care. We found Janeway too a few hours later and she told us what had happened. He denied it, but you can't argue with DNA. The bastard was charged, kicked out of Starfleet, and locked up. His father wanted her to drop the charges, made all kinds of threats if she didn't, but she wouldn't. She fought them both and she won."

As he listened to this, all kinds of emotions raged inside Chakotay. He was angry, damned angry at this Raynor guy, and he was hurt, confused, and troubled. Why didn't he know about this? Why hadn't Kathryn ever told him? Or had he just been blind? Should she have needed to tell him? Had all the signs been there but he had missed them?

"Like I said," Admiral Carr went on, "I'm glad it didn't ruin her. It so easily could have, especially as she'd not long lost her father and fiancé."

Admiral Jenkins came into the bar now and made his way over to them.

"Admiral, Commander, mind if I join you?" he asked.

"Not at all," Admiral Carr said. "Be our guest."

"I...I actually think I'll call it a night," Chakotay said. He needed to be alone. Needed to be anywhere but here.

"Ok, Commander," Admiral Carr replied. "It was good talking to you. I'll let you know more about the expedition in due course."

Chakotay nodded, mumbled goodnight, and then left.

* * *

At dawn the following morning, Chakotay walked alone along the beach. He hadn't slept much, hardly more than an hour, as every time he tried, disturbing nightmares plagued him. So, he'd given up on sleep and decided to take a walk. The beauty and tranquillity of a waking world would perhaps help soothe his troubled spirit.

"Chakotay?"

The voice was Kathryn's and Chakotay turned around. As he did, he saw Kathryn hurry over to him. She was wearing a Starfleet uniform, one of the new plain gray ones that they both detested, and her hair was tied up in a bun just like it was when he first met her.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here," she said. "What gets you up so early?"

"I could ask you the same question," he answered.

"I have an early meeting," she replied. "A very early meeting. I'm taking a stroll to wake myself up. You?"

"Just trying to clear my head," he said. Tears filled his eyes and he gazed painfully at her. "Why didn't you tell me, Kathryn?"

Kathryn frowned. "Tell you what?"

"That as a lieutenant you were raped by a fellow officer."

A shadow fell over Kathryn's face and she lowered her eyes. "At first because I didn't want you to know," she said quietly. "Then because I didn't think you needed to know."

Chakotay reached out and gently put his hand on her shoulder. "I think I did."

At this, Kathryn looked up at him. "It wouldn't have made a difference, Chakotay. Not to us. We were Captain and First Officer and that's how we had to stay. But I'm glad for our friendship." She paused. "I was scared when we were on New Earth. I feared history would repeat itself. But the whole time we were there you treated me with respect and kindness and care. I learnt during those few weeks that I could trust you, that no matter what happened I was safe with you." Trembling slightly, she reached for Chakotay's hand and took it in hers. "If there is a god, I thank him for you."

They gazed deep into each other's eyes, longing and love reflecting, and Chakotay tenderly brushed his hand against her cheek. He loved this woman so much, needed this woman so much, and maybe it was time to tell her. But just as he was about to say the words, a voice came through her commbadge.

"Admiral West to Captain Janeway. Admiral Keyes has arrived."

Kathryn reluctantly responded. "I'll be right there."

The connection terminated and Kathryn took a step back. "Duty calls," she said. "I just hope this meeting is easier than the last. I felt as though I was facing a firing squad. There were so many awkward questions. And, I admit, what seemed right at the other side of the galaxy doesn't always seem so at this side of it before a board of admirals."

"You did your best, Kathryn," Chakotay replied. "You have nothing to reproach yourself for."

"Even the times I went crazy?"

"Who wouldn't have? We all lost the plot at times. But when we did fall off the page, one of us was there to drag the other back."

"Yes. And that's how it should be." She paused. "How I hope it always will be."

"So do I."

They gazed into each other's eyes again, then Kathryn spoke. "Join me for dinner tonight?"

"I'd love to. The restaurant, 19:00 hours?"

"How about my room? I have a balcony to die for."

"Your room it is then," he smiled. "19:00 hours."

Kathryn smiled in return. "See you then."

With that she walked away and Chakotay watched her go until he could see her no more.

* * *

At 19:00 hours, Chakotay arrived at Kathryn's hotel room. She'd been given a star suite on the hotel's highest floor and the balcony was indeed to die for. It was made of white marble and from it the bay below could be seen in all its glory. But as spectacular as the view was, and as lovely as the table was that had been prepared for their meal, all Chakotay's attention was on Kathryn. Gone was her uniform and instead of it she was wearing a pretty blue dress that hugged her fine curves. On her feet were blue high heels and her auburn hair was loose over her shoulders. Chakotay thought she had never looked more beautiful.

"Dinner is lasagne non carne," she said, leading him over to the table. "I know you love it so I took the liberty of ordering it for both of us. Dessert is your favorite, chocobanana gateaux. I didn't bother with starters as the portions here are big enough to feed a horse. And there's bread, of course, and chips. So, sit down and enjoy!"

But Chakotay didn't sit down. Instead, he closed the gap between them. "Before we eat," he said, "I have something to say. It's something I've wanted to say for a long time but we both know why I couldn't. And if I don't say it now, I might lose the courage." Tears filled his eyes. "I love you, Kathryn. I've always loved you. And I need you. I thought I'd moved on, thought I'd stopped loving you, but I haven't. I never will."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "Oh Chakotay..."

"If you don't feel the same," he went on, "then I understand. I know you'll have a bunch of decorated admirals to choose from and..."

He could say no more as Kathryn silenced him with a kiss.

"I don't want a decorated admiral," she said. "I want you."

"You do?" Chakotay asked tearfully.

Kathryn nodded. "Just you. For the rest of my life."

Chakotay laughed now, his joy absolute, and gathered her in his arms. She embraced him in return and they held each other close, held each other long. Then, in the blue dusk of evening, they kissed again.

THE END


End file.
